Dealing with Depression, Anxiety...and Suicide

*This was originally posted on July 14, 2018

SUICIDE. AND WHY LEARNING TO REDIRECT AND SHARE MY PAIN SAVED MY LIFE. This is how I chose to live...

After a recent string of high profile suicides...this “stigma” topic has weighed heavy on me.

Whether someone you love has taken their own life or you are plagued by thoughts of the act yourself, it is truly hard to fathom the scope of suicide...until you experience it.

After years of dealing with depression and anxiety, living through my mothers unexpected death and my husband’s suicide...I wanted to die. I already felt dead. But every tear soaked night ended in the same conclusion. I couldn’t inflict my own pain onto my children, even though it was so great at times I felt suffocated by it. So I learned to redirect what I was feeling. “YOU JUST KEEP LIVING...UNTIL YOU’RE ALIVE AGAIN.” Words to live by.

I started to go to the gym/lost weight, I let friends drag me out to go try new things and I got involved in new activities. I started sharing what I was doing and feeling on social media. I traveled across the world. I made my house feel like a home. I rode horses, I cliff jumped, I skydived and I became an obstacle course racer. I let these things become the defibrillator to my life. I wanted to feel alive again...so I chased it.

But, even at the height of my success... I would still have complete mental breakdowns. Feeling paralyzed by depression. So I learned to accept it. That I would always feel bouts of sadness and it was okay. Its human.

It wasn’t until very recently while I was spending a week alone in England that I truly felt for the first time in as long as I can remember... what happiness felt like. Just natural happiness. I hadn’t worked for it or redirected my pain to feel it. I just felt it. I lived it. Every little thing I had done, I had worked for in the last 3 1/2 years...took me to this moment in time.

So it’s true...H.old O.n P.ain E.nds

Suicide is up by 30 percent. Society is still afraid to dig deeper into this subject. We gloss it over with, “Oh they had demons”. But we can make a difference. Share your sorrow. Tell your story. Pain is universal and we are not alone. 💗 #IChooseToLive

*This was originally posted July 14, 2018.